My Coles Mini Collectables Nightmare
There we were on our girl’s weekend away with freedom to do anything and talk about anything and where did our conversation turn? It turned to a dark topic that has gripped me with fear and panic. We sat in our girl circle of trust and in hushed tones discussed a very big problem in our families at the moment: the fact we have not been able to secure the entire set of Coles mini collectables. Which brings me to Coles and a short letter I would like to send:
“Dear Coles. We need to have a chat. There is a problem and it is you, not me, to blame. You are ruining my life with your little plastic collectables mini groceries.” I am groaning out loud even as I write this because I have been made feel by my kids I am a failure because I cannot find the damn chocolate milk mini to complete our set. Now if you do not know about these minis then you are simply going to think I have finally lost my mind. Those little minis are the work of the devil. Our lives seem to revolve around collecting the entire set.
My kid’s friends have the complete set. I know this because there has been a lot of smug Facebook bragging about the fact. It seems to be a dimly disguised dig at other clearly incompetent parents such as myself who are yet to reach the goal of slotting 30 minis into their little spaces and apparently being a good provider in life for our offspring. My kids are now begging me to go food shopping when they have never cared if I walked in the door with loo paper and milk and bread. I also blame their Nanny who first bought them the kit and their initial few collectables. Luckily Betty bore me a wonderful husband because the introduction to the Coles minis has threatened to tear my relationship with my mother-in-law apart. Why would you introduce children to the crack cocaine that is mini? Why? And now I am addicted to and have joined the feeding frenzy trying to complete our set.
It was all warm and fuzzy as we stood there like The Brady Bunch as we tore open our little bags to reveal Nutella and nappies. Then we got the adorable Tim Tams. Fast forward a few weeks and we are more like the dysfunctional Lannister family from Game Of Thrones. Nanny tried to ask for a few extra minis at the checkout in the hope of scoring her hit. She was refused. Nanny needed a stiff scotch that night. I have now succumbed to texting and talking to friends about swapping doubles to complete the goddamn set. I am plotting ways to complete the set as I lie in bed trying to go to sleep at night. Chat in the school car park revolves solely around scoring. And our children look to us in hope every day we will be victorious before the sunsets and achieve our goal. So hundreds of pages have been set up on Facebook for swapping and giving away doubles of the minis with names like “Coles Little Shop Minis Group Australia.”
Some have tens of thousands of adult members. I dared to forget to ask for the stupid things last week after a shop and my four year old actually said to me when I got home and he searched my handbag for his hit: “Go and stand in the naughty corner!” before he burst out crying because of my forgetful actions. I did not even shop at Coles before the Mini Revolution of 2018. Let’s face it: we are part of a bold and obvious marketing ploy by Coles. The little toys are not exactly environmentally friendly and they will lie discarded on the stairs in a few months waiting to trip me in the middle of the night as I walk down barefoot unaware of the little weapons at my feet. And now Coles has announced there are 700 ‘red hands’ in Australia that are incredibly rare. Yes. I could not make this stuff up if I tried! Red hands as in those big red gloves that people wear in the ads for the grocery store.
Coles are clearly copying Charlie and The Chocolate Factory and think these red gloves are The Golden Ticket. My family still need the damn chocolate milk until we can celebrate glory but if anyone tells them about the elusive red hands I swear I may lose it! Good luck collecting everyone: may the odds be always in your favour and remember to celebrate being a really stellar parent when you complete that set.
– Sammi xx