Toddy’s Chrissy Survival Tips

Toddy’s Chrissy Survival Tips

‘Tis the season to be wary…wary of all things relative. It’s that one magical time of the year where our families come together to celebrate Christmas and we invite the hipster cousin, the over bearing gluten free aunty, the smarmy brother in law (you know the one who brings cheap beer and then proceeds to drink all your top shelf gear all day) and the racist uncle who thinks Trump gets a bad wrap, to sit together at lunch and see what transpires.

Someone mentions mandates and vaccinations and more often than not, it’s World War 3 and if not handled correctly you can have a literal relli-bash on your hands. Here’s some sure-fire tips to surviving Chrissy with your blessed rello’s.

Lubrication. Get yourself an all- rounder style of wine, one that pairs well with lamb, pork, prawns and difficult aunties. Alcohol, helping us survive Christmas since Jesus was a boy. On the topic of booze 100% avoid the use of Bundy Rum in your rumballs. It’s angry juice and will only lead to a WrestleMania 7 inspired all in brawl on the front lawn. (I know this now)

Distraction. Family games like Bocce, ping pong and bomb diving contests for those with a pool can be great diffusers of any tension that builds up during lunch. However be wary any games can easily lead to a round of “pin the blame on the family member” with that one cousin who always gets super competitive and makes a kid cry. Also, Spin the bottle is not recommended in this family environment.

Conversation cards. Not a bad idea for those wanting to steer clear from controversial convo’s at the table. Topics like “Is fruitcake the work of the devil?” (it is), “Do ya’ll think Jennifer Lopez is a Vampire? She never ages” and “How’s them Bronco’s?” are all fine conversation starters. Highly recommend you avoid topics like “Putin’s just misunderstood don’t ya think?”, “So who’s had a fourth jab?” and “Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?”. They are all highly flammable subjects to debate, having said that I can report Die Hard is NOT a Christmas movie…it’s THE Christmas movie.

Escape plan. Always smart to have an exit strategy. Tell your family you have to work with the homeless on Chrissy night, I mean you go those muscles lifting kids out of poverty right? This little fib will allow you to  eat, drink and run to the safety of your home, barricading yourself on the couch for the night to play Warhammer on your new XBox in your undies. Better still, if it’s your place be the first to volunteer a trip to emergency with the nephew who’s fractured his wrist during the bomb dive contest, or has come a gutzer on the hastily built Christmas Eve trampoline. That’ll kill 5 hours, but pro tip make sure u got change for the vending machine.

Solid Humour. When in doubt humor will always win the day. I recommend a round of “Cards Against Humanity Family Edition” OR “Cake Splat”. I’d swerve Uno as a general rule as that tends to end in tears, but the greatest game, guaranteed for laughs, is for the Adults only game “Things you can say at Christmas Lunch and also in the Bedroom”. It’s a ripper, and is especially entertaining as the sun is setting on another cracking Chrissy day. I’ll get ya’ll started…

Things you can say at Christmas Lunch and also in the bedroom:

“Needs more gravy.”

“Wish we did this more than once a year.”

“There’s plenty for everyone.”

“It’s a little something my Nan taught me.”

Bless us oh Lord for these gifts we are about to receive. There ya’ll have it, hopefully there’s a tip or two to make your Chrissy day tops. Remember it’s a marathon not a sprint so try to approach the day with grace and style, tolerance and understanding and kindness in your heart. Of course if all of that fails you…rip into the bottle of Grey Goose ya’ll stashed in the freezer and have yourself a Most Excellent Christmas…

YOU’RE WELCOME!