Batten Down The Hatches!

Batten Down The Hatches!

Ahoy there, sailors! I have finally done something constructive that does not involve eating Salt & Vinegar chips and binge watching rubbish TV shows.

My husband and I passed our boat and jet ski license exams this week.

Yep. Call me Captain or Admiral or First Mate. I will answer to pretty much all of these nautical names because I am pretty chuffed to now be qualified to drive a boat.

There is something very cool about boatie talk. And do not even get me started on the attire of boat-type people. I grew up wearing Dunlop Volley sneakers or whatever else Big W was selling that year, but all the rich teenagers wore navy deck shoes. They were so fancy. I am not sure any of the guys actually owned a boat, but their deck shoes screamed “I think I am important, and I am trying to look a good decade older than I actually am”.

I think men should not wear deck shoes until they are in their 40’s but we all want to look older when we are younger don’t we, and we all want to look younger when we are older! Oh life! You ironic little minx!

I look back at photos of me in my 20s and cringe at my bright fire-engine-red power suits I wore as a TV journalist with towering heels in an attempt to look the part and try and bluff people I was an adult and knew what the heck I was doing. But the scary thing is, I thought I did know what I was doing back then and never questioned myself whereas now I am heading towards 50 I realise I have no idea whatsoever as to how I am playing this game called life and question myself about a hundred times a day.

Anyway, back to our boat and jet ski licenses. We had to complete 4 hours of on-line exams. That was a hard slog let me tell you and all the lingo about cardinal markers and no red port left (that means port is your left side and always keep it on you left upstream) drove me to eat a lot of ice cream. But the most difficult part for me was the practical component of the jet ski test where I had to reverse the revving beast of a machine. The man who was sitting behind me on the same jet ski and who had control to pass or fail me said to me innocently “Reversing a jet ski is similar to reversing a trailer”. I may have sworn. Reversing a trailer? I cannot reverse a trailer and I would have more hope of winning Lotto than ever succeeding in this goal. I failed that part of the test, but luckily I passed all the other parts.

So, look out for me this summer. I will be the one on the waterways dressed in stripes, a jaunty captain’s hat and maybe even deck shoes.

I just will not be reversing under any circumstances.